Maybe I'll Win, Save By Zero

Goodbye

Goodbye beloved Laine.  How I wish it turned out another way but it is as it should be.  I have done my best, I have no more regrets.

Sa aking kamay, ika'y nahimlay,
pawiin ang mga luha.

Mundo'y luluha, sa iyong paglisan,
subalit may bukas pa rin.

Ang bukas ay magdadala ng bagong umaga,
buong ligaya't pag-asa...

An Offensive Image

Whatever!

Monsters

My Love is a Stapler

Dearest Elaine,

How I wish I could say "I love you" to you.  But the time for those words has not yet come.  Until then, I can only say "I love you Elaine" here.

On this starry night
I sit and wonder why and start to write
All my thoughts and feelings down for you
'cause I know they're true

Crazy as it seems
I'm holding on to all my hopes and dreams
I'm running out of room for all my words
I need another sheet
Maybe I should calculate and equate
My answer for your love
You're the one I'm dreaming of

Chorus:
I'll make a wish on a star that is shining so bright
I think I worry too much I'll just sit down and write...
My feelings on paper for you. They'll be stapled too.
It started simple at first, didn't have any clue
I think I wrote way too much, these staples won't go through
I'll wait for tomorrow again
And write some more... I'll see you again.

2nd:
I re-read the words way too many times
I feel annoyed but I can't help the way I feel inside
I'll read them one more time.

Should I hold on to
The feelings that I'm saving all for you?
If I throw them out I'll be in pain
I'll be the one to blame.
Now it's time for me to let my feelings show
I'm searching for the words.
If I don't... I'll never know.

Chorus:
I'm so excited to go with the plan that I made
I just expanded my words 'cause there's so much to say
Now I have another page. Let's staple away.
And when I recall my day my chest gets very tight
I feel so tired right now but I know I'll be fine
I ran out of staples again. I'll get some more.
I'll see you again

Chorus:
I'll make a wish on a star that is shining so bright
I think I worry too much I'll just sit down and write...
My feelings on paper for you. They'll be stapled too.
It started simple at first, didn't have any clue
I think I wrote way too much, these staples won't go through
I'll wait for tomorrow again
And write some more... I'll see you again.

Thanks to JohnChiro25 for the translation and video.

The Face in My Book

It is true that Facebook only alienates people from each other but maybe the walls have been there even before Facebook.  No matter how hard I try to share the real me on my page, people never "get it".  Yet, I cannot say these things straight out, as they are taboo topics, and I'm not even talking about my sexuality (I am straight,if it isn't obvious yet).

Just the same, it is here, in this cul-de-sac of the 'net that I can truly express my feelings.  Blogs and blogging has pretty much been abandoned by the mainstream, leaving only the determined behind.  Stringing together words and paragraphs is difficult even in normal times.  When one has nothing to say or more correctly, nothing one wishes to say out loud, even anonymously, then writing is equivalent to pulling teeth.

Hello World.  Hope you're doing fine.

I wish I know what you're doing. I thought we were over and your silence was the proof. Why have you come back? Are you going to rub more salt into my wounds with "let's be friends"?

But call me a fool because I'll take you back every time.

The worst offense a musician can commit, is not caring about the song he or she is performing. If you do not put your heart on the line for the song, then the audience will not care about your performance either.

The Empty Page

Writing is hard.

I often get writing ideas in the middle of my workday. Since I don't write for a living, unfortunately or fortunately, I couldn't just start typing away what was in my mind. When I get home, the idea is gone and I'm too tired to try to reconstruct it.

The world isn't going to miss my writing, although I wish it did. No matter, I still press on. That's the important thing. The horizon ahead waits. Whether windmills or mountains lie ahead, it doesn't matter.

It only matters that I write.

PS: I really ought to cut down on the drama.

Foreigner

I have always been gaijin, even in high school. My classmates, I could never call them friends, never understood me, never understood what I said. Even now, I still feel like a stranger among my friends but at least I am sure they are my friends and they accept me as one.

Often, I feel this alien-ness most whenever I crack a joke and it goes over everyone in the circle. Or even when my friends ask me why I speak in English most of the time.

Just the same, it's fine with me. They don't ask me to become like them and I'm mature enough to not try to become like them.

I am glad to be accepted as one of their friends and in effect, no longer gaijin.

My 2 cents: Letters to the Editor on Kulo, the Controversial "Sacrilegious" Artworks in CCP

News: Cultural Center of the Philippines closes sacrilegious artwork exhibition.

Dear Editors,

The "sacrilegious" artwork at the Cultural Center of the Philippines has been removed and the scandal it generated is slowly dying down. I'd like to share a few of my thoughts on the matter with everyone.

Our Lord Jesus Christ put up with much, much worse abuse from the Jewish religious leadership and the Roman government during His own trial at their hands and yet he spoke not a word. Later on, one of His last words on the cross were, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing". Our response, to things like this should NEVER be violence. We who are Christians MUST FOLLOW that example, because it is the path our Lord walked, and we as followers, must follow.

I would also like to challenge all who are Christians to look at their own lives and their own hearts. When non-believers see a Christian, do they see our Lord Jesus Christ or do they see people calling themselves Christian and yet worship the wealth of the American Dream, in effect, putting Mickey Mouse ears and nose on the image our Lord? When non-believers see a Christian, do they see our Lord or do they see people calling themselves Christians yet openly and unapologetically commit adultery, in effect, putting a penis in front of our Lord's image on the cross?

That artwork will fade away, just as all creations of man will fade away, but the underlying idea will remain if it is the truth. True sacrilege and blasphemy is always and will always be the hypocrisy of the "believer". In the end, we should not blame the mirror if our own face is ugly.

Thank you for this opportunity to express my opinion on the matter.

This letter was sent to both the Philippine Star and the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

[insert rant, about religious fundamentalists, who do not read their holy book for themselves first before going off into a murderous rampage, based on the interpretations of another, who bent the verses to suit their agenda, here]

One with Everything

A monk was in New York one day and, finding himself hungry, went to a hotdog vendor.

"Make me one with everything", said the monk to the hotdog vendor.

"That will be ten dollars", said the hotdog vendor.

 "That's too expensive", the monk exclaimed.

"No, that's not expensive", the hotdog vendor replied, "that's one with everything".

So the monk paid the hotdog vendor and ate his food.  He found it so delicious that he went back to the hotdog vendor.

"It's delicious!  That's too cheap for such a meal", the monk praised.

"No, that's not cheap", replied the hotdog vendor, "that's one with everything".

"Friends"

Sigh.

A woman's Friend Zone is a very cold place. You're not really friends because she holds you constantly at arm's length and she automatically shuts the door when you try to get closer.

I am forever frozen out, outside of Paradise.

Hesitation

The Part of You I'm Most Familiar

It's here once again Elaine.

When I look back at my life and remember the part you played in it, I will look at you and realize that the only thing I remember about you, the part of you that I am most familiar, is your cold shoulder.

Sometimes, I can't really understand why. Why I foolishly hoped that there could be more between us. Why you mattered so much to me. Why I couldn't turn away from you. Why, why, why....

So you turn your back on me again and the silence once again fill the space between us. Yeah, I'm also very familiar with your back and with watching you walk away.

Gotta rush away, she said,

I've been to Boston before.

Anyway, this change I've been feeling,

doesn't make the rain fall.

No big differences these days,

just the same walk aways.

Someday, I'm going to stay,

but not today.

Composed and performed by Counting Crows.

Youtube movie by iam2pic.

Voices in My Head

I think I'm on the final rolls of the toilet paper that is my mind.  Yes, my mind is as dirty as a toilet too but that is another post.  The other voices have started to get louder and worse, I've been talking back to them as if they're real.  Sometimes I think they are real.

Hold on for one more day.  Just one day at a time.

Alone

Sometimes I really wonder if you're really there, Aba.  All it took was a quote from the book of Job to start up another anxiety attack.  It isn't fun living like this.  I really, really wish I could somehow find peace.

I feel so alone.

Struggling Against the Flow

Sometimes I really don't know if I can hold on much longer.  I'm tired and I just want to die.

Just a little while longer, just hold on until I become too tired to stay awake.  What else can I do?