The worst offense a musician can commit, is not caring about the song he or she is performing. If you do not put your heart on the line for the song, then the audience will not care about your performance either.

The Empty Page

Writing is hard.

I often get writing ideas in the middle of my workday. Since I don't write for a living, unfortunately or fortunately, I couldn't just start typing away what was in my mind. When I get home, the idea is gone and I'm too tired to try to reconstruct it.

The world isn't going to miss my writing, although I wish it did. No matter, I still press on. That's the important thing. The horizon ahead waits. Whether windmills or mountains lie ahead, it doesn't matter.

It only matters that I write.

PS: I really ought to cut down on the drama.

Foreigner

I have always been gaijin, even in high school. My classmates, I could never call them friends, never understood me, never understood what I said. Even now, I still feel like a stranger among my friends but at least I am sure they are my friends and they accept me as one.

Often, I feel this alien-ness most whenever I crack a joke and it goes over everyone in the circle. Or even when my friends ask me why I speak in English most of the time.

Just the same, it's fine with me. They don't ask me to become like them and I'm mature enough to not try to become like them.

I am glad to be accepted as one of their friends and in effect, no longer gaijin.

My 2 cents: Letters to the Editor on Kulo, the Controversial "Sacrilegious" Artworks in CCP

News: Cultural Center of the Philippines closes sacrilegious artwork exhibition.

Dear Editors,

The "sacrilegious" artwork at the Cultural Center of the Philippines has been removed and the scandal it generated is slowly dying down. I'd like to share a few of my thoughts on the matter with everyone.

Our Lord Jesus Christ put up with much, much worse abuse from the Jewish religious leadership and the Roman government during His own trial at their hands and yet he spoke not a word. Later on, one of His last words on the cross were, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing". Our response, to things like this should NEVER be violence. We who are Christians MUST FOLLOW that example, because it is the path our Lord walked, and we as followers, must follow.

I would also like to challenge all who are Christians to look at their own lives and their own hearts. When non-believers see a Christian, do they see our Lord Jesus Christ or do they see people calling themselves Christian and yet worship the wealth of the American Dream, in effect, putting Mickey Mouse ears and nose on the image our Lord? When non-believers see a Christian, do they see our Lord or do they see people calling themselves Christians yet openly and unapologetically commit adultery, in effect, putting a penis in front of our Lord's image on the cross?

That artwork will fade away, just as all creations of man will fade away, but the underlying idea will remain if it is the truth. True sacrilege and blasphemy is always and will always be the hypocrisy of the "believer". In the end, we should not blame the mirror if our own face is ugly.

Thank you for this opportunity to express my opinion on the matter.

This letter was sent to both the Philippine Star and the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

[insert rant, about religious fundamentalists, who do not read their holy book for themselves first before going off into a murderous rampage, based on the interpretations of another, who bent the verses to suit their agenda, here]

One with Everything

A monk was in New York one day and, finding himself hungry, went to a hotdog vendor.

"Make me one with everything", said the monk to the hotdog vendor.

"That will be ten dollars", said the hotdog vendor.

 "That's too expensive", the monk exclaimed.

"No, that's not expensive", the hotdog vendor replied, "that's one with everything".

So the monk paid the hotdog vendor and ate his food.  He found it so delicious that he went back to the hotdog vendor.

"It's delicious!  That's too cheap for such a meal", the monk praised.

"No, that's not cheap", replied the hotdog vendor, "that's one with everything".

"Friends"

Sigh.

A woman's Friend Zone is a very cold place. You're not really friends because she holds you constantly at arm's length and she automatically shuts the door when you try to get closer.

I am forever frozen out, outside of Paradise.

Hesitation

The Part of You I'm Most Familiar

It's here once again Elaine.

When I look back at my life and remember the part you played in it, I will look at you and realize that the only thing I remember about you, the part of you that I am most familiar, is your cold shoulder.

Sometimes, I can't really understand why. Why I foolishly hoped that there could be more between us. Why you mattered so much to me. Why I couldn't turn away from you. Why, why, why....

So you turn your back on me again and the silence once again fill the space between us. Yeah, I'm also very familiar with your back and with watching you walk away.

Gotta rush away, she said,

I've been to Boston before.

Anyway, this change I've been feeling,

doesn't make the rain fall.

No big differences these days,

just the same walk aways.

Someday, I'm going to stay,

but not today.

Composed and performed by Counting Crows.

Youtube movie by iam2pic.

Voices in My Head

I think I'm on the final rolls of the toilet paper that is my mind.  Yes, my mind is as dirty as a toilet too but that is another post.  The other voices have started to get louder and worse, I've been talking back to them as if they're real.  Sometimes I think they are real.

Hold on for one more day.  Just one day at a time.

Alone

Sometimes I really wonder if you're really there, Aba.  All it took was a quote from the book of Job to start up another anxiety attack.  It isn't fun living like this.  I really, really wish I could somehow find peace.

I feel so alone.

Struggling Against the Flow

Sometimes I really don't know if I can hold on much longer.  I'm tired and I just want to die.

Just a little while longer, just hold on until I become too tired to stay awake.  What else can I do?

Say Goodbye

I wish you didn't come and go so quickly. I would never hold you back from your dream and will always be behind you every step of the way.

I wonder why I fall for your tricks so easily, Elaine.

You tell me to go away, then you call me up out of the blue.  I come back, then you send me away again.

I am fool.

K-On! (けいおん!) : The Power of Affirmation

K-On!! , the second season of K-On! , has ended on Animax. I knew ahead of time that the season has to end, and how it will end (they graduate of course!). Still, it was sad to watch the final episode.

One wonders what draws people to watch this hit anime series, 80% male and 20% female, so they say. Is it the girls? Is it the comedy? Is it something else?

For me, watching K-On! was not about watching the girls, per se. Neither was it about the comedy of the series. I don't remember what I felt when I first watched the first episode of the first season of K-On. I might have laughed at their antics and felt that the humor alone was worth following this series. As the series progressed, the show tugged on my heart's strings. Watching the girls solve their problems or achieve their goals, in a plausible comical way, filled and still fills my heart with warmth. K-On!! , the second season, continued the series' theme of heartwarming comedy.

At the center of the theme was the affirmation the primary characters and even the supporting characters give each other. This theme is evident in the second season's second opening theme song (Utauyo!! Miracle) where the main characters of the series give all the secondary characters hugs, and tight hugs at that.

Throughout the first and second series, the characters affirm each other. Sure, Yui is a klutz and is unreliable but the rest of the gang accept her as she is and she progresses and grows up throughout the series, always doing her best. Ritsu and Mio often play the 2-man comedy team with Mio playing the straight man and Ritsu as the comedian. Unfortunately for Ritsu, this means she has to take most of the pratfalls for the humor. Tsumugi or Mugi is the enabler or deus ex machina for the group. She is the glue that keeps the group together and the oil that keeps their engine running smoothly. Unfortunately, this also makes her the least developed of all the main characters but on the other hand, it also adds to her mystery. Then again, Mugi often acts as the strange one. Azusa has the saddest part of all, in my opinion. She often plays the outsider looking in, in their group. She is the only junior in a group of seniors, often left out in activities that segregates the juniors from their upperclassmen. We feel this sadness the most when, come graduation, Azusa begs her seniors not to graduate and leave her. Yet Azusa remains very precious to her seniors and she is always shown to be treated as a full member.

And affirmation is the name of the game, all the way to the end of the season. That is what I see, whenever I watch the episodes of this series. And the best part of it is that K-On is a comedy: the joy of affirmation joined with the joy of laughter.

But don't forget the tea and sweets too. ;-)

Sail Away

When you're studying Math, you're not studying "1 + 1 = 2"; any calculator can do that. When you're studying Math, you're studying "2 = 1 + 1". They are not the same thing.

The darkness descends on me again.  I hope it doesn't last long.  I'm very tired.

I Wish There Had Been More Meals To Share

Once in a while you might have dreamt of being back at your old school, facing whatever demons you faced there when you were young. For me, my demons were tests and homework. I was a so-so student. I never cared much about my assignments or my studies but my grades were always above average. Nightmares about tests and homework were never about tests and homework at school. They are about insecurities about never being "good enough".

I have those school nightmares regularly. They occur more often whenever I'm in the midst of a failing relationship so it's obvious why I have them. Typically, I dream that I haven't submitted a homework due ASAP or we're about to take a test I didn't know we were going to have. Yeah, I'm more scared of flunking school than Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street.

This morning I dreamt that I graduated from school. So I finally get to say goodbye to all that fear and whatnot. As I stood outside the school gates, presumably holding my diploma, I watched the school bus filled with my classmates drive away and I said these words, "I wish there had been more meals to share".

Looking back, both in the dream and in my life, I find that there was almost little time to spend with friends during the week. Everybody is busy. The friends I value most are busy with their own lives and families. The physical distance between us in this sprawling grey city makes it impossible to find time just to chat.

I guess even now I know what I will feel when my life is finally over and it is time to go into the endless void. There will never be enough meals to share with friends but every meal shared with friends, no matter how simple, even if just a cup of coffee or just seeing each other and saying "hi", is a treasure worth more than all the gold in the world.

State of the Nations

I find it very strange that you call me again.  How easy it would have been for you to ignore me but once again you say "hi".  I guess it is part of a woman's being to not want someone to think bad of her.  For men, it is easy to just ignore others.  If there is nothing more between us, there is nothing more to say.

Sometimes I really wish men and women had more in common.  As it is, misunderstanding is the State of the Nations.