Sojourn Notes

2012-01-25T19:48:00.002+08:00

The worst offense a musician can commit, is not caring about the song he or she is performing. If you do not put your heart on the line for the song, then the audience will not care about your performance either.

The Empty Page

2011-12-13T22:29:00.004+08:00

Writing is hard.

I often get writing ideas in the middle of my workday. Since I don't write for a living, unfortunately or fortunately, I couldn't just start typing away what was in my mind. When I get home, the idea is gone and I'm too tired to try to reconstruct it.

The world isn't going to miss my writing, although I wish it did. No matter, I still press on. That's the important thing. The horizon ahead waits. Whether windmills or mountains lie ahead, it doesn't matter.

It only matters that I write.

PS: I really ought to cut down on the drama.

Foreigner

2011-11-16T12:48:00.000+08:00

I have always been gaijin, even in high school. My classmates, I could never call them friends, never understood me, never understood what I said. Even now, I still feel like a stranger among my friends but at least I am sure they are my friends and they accept me as one.

Often, I feel this alien-ness most whenever I crack a joke and it goes over everyone in the circle. Or even when my friends ask me why I speak in English most of the time.

Just the same, it's fine with me. They don't ask me to become like them and I'm mature enough to not try to become like them.

I am glad to be accepted as one of their friends and in effect, no longer gaijin.

My 2 cents: Letters to the Editor on Kulo, the Controversial "Sacrilegious" Artworks in CCP

2011-08-11T13:24:00.004+08:00

News: Cultural Center of the Philippines closes sacrilegious artwork exhibition.

Dear Editors,

The "sacrilegious" artwork at the Cultural Center of the Philippines has been removed and the scandal it generated is slowly dying down. I'd like to share a few of my thoughts on the matter with everyone.

Our Lord Jesus Christ put up with much, much worse abuse from the Jewish religious leadership and the Roman government during His own trial at their hands and yet he spoke not a word. Later on, one of His last words on the cross were, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing". Our response, to things like this should NEVER be violence. We who are Christians MUST FOLLOW that example, because it is the path our Lord walked, and we as followers, must follow.

I would also like to challenge all who are Christians to look at their own lives and their own hearts. When non-believers see a Christian, do they see our Lord Jesus Christ or do they see people calling themselves Christian and yet worship the wealth of the American Dream, in effect, putting Mickey Mouse ears and nose on the image our Lord? When non-believers see a Christian, do they see our Lord or do they see people calling themselves Christians yet openly and unapologetically commit adultery, in effect, putting a penis in front of our Lord's image on the cross?

That artwork will fade away, just as all creations of man will fade away, but the underlying idea will remain if it is the truth. True sacrilege and blasphemy is always and will always be the hypocrisy of the "believer". In the end, we should not blame the mirror if our own face is ugly.

Thank you for this opportunity to express my opinion on the matter.

This letter was sent to both the Philippine Star and the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

2011-07-25T18:40:00.002+08:00

[insert rant, about religious fundamentalists, who do not read their holy book for themselves first before going off into a murderous rampage, based on the interpretations of another, who bent the verses to suit their agenda, here]

One with Everything

2011-06-20T18:11:00.000+08:00

A monk was in New York one day and, finding himself hungry, went to a hotdog vendor.

"Make me one with everything", said the monk to the hotdog vendor.

"That will be ten dollars", said the hotdog vendor.

"That's too expensive", the monk exclaimed.

"No, that's not expensive", the hotdog vendor replied, "that's one with everything".

So the monk paid the hotdog vendor and ate his food. He found it so delicious that he went back to the hotdog vendor.

"It's delicious! That's too cheap for such a meal", the monk praised.

"No, that's not cheap", replied the hotdog vendor, "that's one with everything".

"Friends"

2011-06-04T12:21:00.000+08:00

Sigh.

A woman's Friend Zone is a very cold place. You're not really friends because she holds you constantly at arm's length and she automatically shuts the door when you try to get closer.

I am forever frozen out, outside of Paradise.

Hesitation

2011-05-31T13:06:00.002+08:00

The Part of You I'm Most Familiar

2011-05-30T13:19:00.002+08:00

It's here once again Elaine.

When I look back at my life and remember the part you played in it, I will look at you and realize that the only thing I remember about you, the part of you that I am most familiar, is your cold shoulder.

Sometimes, I can't really understand why. Why I foolishly hoped that there could be more between us. Why you mattered so much to me. Why I couldn't turn away from you. Why, why, why....

So you turn your back on me again and the silence once again fill the space between us. Yeah, I'm also very familiar with your back and with watching you walk away.

Gotta rush away, she said,

I've been to Boston before.

Anyway, this change I've been feeling,

doesn't make the rain fall.

No big differences these days,

just the same walk aways.

Someday, I'm going to stay,

but not today.

Composed and performed by Counting Crows.

Youtube movie by iam2pic.

Voices in My Head

2011-05-18T22:00:00.000+08:00

I think I'm on the final rolls of the toilet paper that is my mind. Yes, my mind is as dirty as a toilet too but that is another post. The other voices have started to get louder and worse, I've been talking back to them as if they're real. Sometimes I think they are real.

Hold on for one more day. Just one day at a time.

Alone

2011-05-09T20:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder if you're really there, Aba. All it took was a quote from the book of Job to start up another anxiety attack. It isn't fun living like this. I really, really wish I could somehow find peace.

I feel so alone.

Struggling Against the Flow

2011-04-28T22:42:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really don't know if I can hold on much longer. I'm tired and I just want to die.

Just a little while longer, just hold on until I become too tired to stay awake. What else can I do?

Say Goodbye

2011-04-17T12:04:00.001+08:00

I wish you didn't come and go so quickly. I would never hold you back from your dream and will always be behind you every step of the way.

2011-04-07T12:22:00.001+08:00

I wonder why I fall for your tricks so easily, Elaine.

You tell me to go away, then you call me up out of the blue. I come back, then you send me away again.

I am fool.

K-On! (けいおん!) : The Power of Affirmation

2011-03-31T14:57:00.041+08:00

K-On!! , the second season of K-On! , has ended on Animax. I knew ahead of time that the season has to end, and how it will end (they graduate of course!). Still, it was sad to watch the final episode.

One wonders what draws people to watch this hit anime series, 80% male and 20% female, so they say. Is it the girls? Is it the comedy? Is it something else?

For me, watching K-On! was not about watching the girls, per se. Neither was it about the comedy of the series. I don't remember what I felt when I first watched the first episode of the first season of K-On. I might have laughed at their antics and felt that the humor alone was worth following this series. As the series progressed, the show tugged on my heart's strings. Watching the girls solve their problems or achieve their goals, in a plausible comical way, filled and still fills my heart with warmth. K-On!! , the second season, continued the series' theme of heartwarming comedy.

At the center of the theme was the affirmation the primary characters and even the supporting characters give each other. This theme is evident in the second season's second opening theme song (Utauyo!! Miracle) where the main characters of the series give all the secondary characters hugs, and tight hugs at that.

Throughout the first and second series, the characters affirm each other. Sure, Yui is a klutz and is unreliable but the rest of the gang accept her as she is and she progresses and grows up throughout the series, always doing her best. Ritsu and Mio often play the 2-man comedy team with Mio playing the straight man and Ritsu as the comedian. Unfortunately for Ritsu, this means she has to take most of the pratfalls for the humor. Tsumugi or Mugi is the enabler or deus ex machina for the group. She is the glue that keeps the group together and the oil that keeps their engine running smoothly. Unfortunately, this also makes her the least developed of all the main characters but on the other hand, it also adds to her mystery. Then again, Mugi often acts as the strange one. Azusa has the saddest part of all, in my opinion. She often plays the outsider looking in, in their group. She is the only junior in a group of seniors, often left out in activities that segregates the juniors from their upperclassmen. We feel this sadness the most when, come graduation, Azusa begs her seniors not to graduate and leave her. Yet Azusa remains very precious to her seniors and she is always shown to be treated as a full member.

And affirmation is the name of the game, all the way to the end of the season. That is what I see, whenever I watch the episodes of this series. And the best part of it is that K-On is a comedy: the joy of affirmation joined with the joy of laughter.

But don't forget the tea and sweets too. ;-)

Sail Away

2011-03-05T00:58:00.000+08:00

2011-02-26T12:07:00.000+08:00

When you're studying Math, you're not studying "1 + 1 = 2"; any calculator can do that. When you're studying Math, you're studying "2 = 1 + 1". They are not the same thing.

2011-02-15T13:41:00.002+08:00

The darkness descends on me again. I hope it doesn't last long. I'm very tired.

I Wish There Had Been More Meals To Share

2011-02-09T12:59:00.048+08:00

Once in a while you might have dreamt of being back at your old school, facing whatever demons you faced there when you were young. For me, my demons were tests and homework. I was a so-so student. I never cared much about my assignments or my studies but my grades were always above average. Nightmares about tests and homework were never about tests and homework at school. They are about insecurities about never being "good enough".

I have those school nightmares regularly. They occur more often whenever I'm in the midst of a failing relationship so it's obvious why I have them. Typically, I dream that I haven't submitted a homework due ASAP or we're about to take a test I didn't know we were going to have. Yeah, I'm more scared of flunking school than Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street.

This morning I dreamt that I graduated from school. So I finally get to say goodbye to all that fear and whatnot. As I stood outside the school gates, presumably holding my diploma, I watched the school bus filled with my classmates drive away and I said these words, "I wish there had been more meals to share".

Looking back, both in the dream and in my life, I find that there was almost little time to spend with friends during the week. Everybody is busy. The friends I value most are busy with their own lives and families. The physical distance between us in this sprawling grey city makes it impossible to find time just to chat.

I guess even now I know what I will feel when my life is finally over and it is time to go into the endless void. There will never be enough meals to share with friends but every meal shared with friends, no matter how simple, even if just a cup of coffee or just seeing each other and saying "hi", is a treasure worth more than all the gold in the world.

State of the Nations

2011-01-24T16:18:00.003+08:00

I find it very strange that you call me again. How easy it would have been for you to ignore me but once again you say "hi". I guess it is part of a woman's being to not want someone to think bad of her. For men, it is easy to just ignore others. If there is nothing more between us, there is nothing more to say.

Sometimes I really wish men and women had more in common. As it is, misunderstanding is the State of the Nations.

Fude Pen Boru Pen

2011-01-01T11:36:00.005+08:00

ふでペン　FU　FU
ふるえる　FU FU
はじめてキミへの　GREETING　CARD
ときめき　PASSION
あふれて　ACTION
はみだしちゃうかもね

キミの笑顔想像して
いいとこ見せたくなるよ
情熱をにぎりしめ
振り向かせなきゃ！

愛をこめて　スラスラとね　さあ書き出そう
受け取ったキミに　しあわせが　つながるように
夢を見せて　クルクルとね　字が舞い躍る
がんばれふでペン　ここまできたから
かなり本気よ☆

ふでペン　FU FU
無理かも　FU FU
くじけそうになるけれど
手書きが　MISSION
熱いわ　TENSION
印刷じゃつまらない

ハネるとこトメるとこ
ドキドキまるで恋だね
これからもヨロシクね
一言そえて

はしゃぐ文字は　ピカピカにね　ほら磨きかけ
まっすぐキミの　ココロまで　届けばいいな
走る軌跡　キラキラだね　そう乾くまで
待っててふでペン　ごめんねボールペンは
おやすみしてて
かなり本気よ☆

キミの笑顔想像して
いいとこ見せたくなるよ
情熱をにぎりしめ
振り向かせなきゃ！

愛をこめて　スラスラとね　さあ書き出そう
受け取ったキミに　しあわせが　つながるように
夢を見せて　クルクルとね　字が舞い躍る
がんばれふでペン　ここまできたから
かなり本気よ☆

Calligraphy Pen FU FU
Shivering FU FU
My first greeting card to you
Throbbing Passion
Overflowing Action
Maybe it’s totally forced

Imagining your smile
I want to show you my good points
Tightly grasping on to my enthusiasm
I’ll make you turn your head around!

Put in your love smoothly, okay? Well, let’s start writing!
I wish this happiness could be intertwined with you who I accepted
Show me a spinning dream, okay? The letters are dancing
Do your best Calligraphy Pen; You’ve come this far
I’m really serious!

Calligraphy Pen FU FU
Maybe it’s impossible FU FU
You might get broken but
Handwriting is your mission
It’s really hot; this tension
Printing is just boring

Touching and stopping
This throbbing is really love, right?
From here on out I’m still counting on you, okay?
Decorate every single word!

The frolicking letters are sparkling! Look, it’s so polished
If only I could reach straight towards your heart
The flowing loci are glittering! Until it dries,
Wait a second Calligraphy Pen; Sorry Ballpen
Have a good night
I’m really serious!

Imagining your smile
I want to show you my good points
Tightly grasping on to my enthusiasm
I’ll make you turn your head around!

Put in your love smoothly, okay? Well, let’s start writing!
I wish this happiness could be intertwined with you who I accepted
Show me a spinning dream, okay? The letters are dancing
Do your best Calligraphy Pen; You’ve come this far
I’m really serious!

Thanks to www.hona-ch.com for the english translation and for the kanji transliteration and LemonTea62@YoutTube for the mix and AMV!
http://honya-ch.com/2009/07/21/lyrics-k-on-insert-song-fudepen-ballpen/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5hhjBISIhc&feature=related

Hello There

2010-12-30T23:08:00.003+08:00

Writing stuff for a blog is often harder than posting a "tweet" or "status". In my case, it's always been easier to write comedic one-liners on my FaceBook page, as that is my favorite type of prose. Yet very rarely will I ever write anything deep on FB. I never bare my soul there. And here I do.

If you're reading this, then you're one up on many of my "friends" on FB. My closest friends know about Elaine and Cathy and Janet but never knew all three at once. My closest friends might know that I love to watch anime but they never knew what is it about my favorite series that brings me back to watch the same episodes over and over again. Then again, those details aren't important.

Very often, I have things that I would like to write about in this safe little cul-de-sac of the 'net but I never get around to writing them. My religious views for one. Some of them are lengthy essays but miscellaneous events occur and I forget about writing.

Writing about my heartbreak is the easiest. I don't really have to say much at all. Disappointment is universal and so is frustration. Happiness is a rare bird in the skies of my soul but occasionally I do see it and hear its sweet melody.

I hope that I will write more often. Just as I hope to play my guitar and my trumpet more often in the future.

The future is almost here. Happy New Year, dear reader. Be blessed.

Gomen ne, Watashi by Nanba Shiho

2010-11-14T11:45:00.002+08:00

koori hajiitara chiisa na aozora ni
fukigen na kao nozokikonda no
wanagara HATTO shite shisen wo sorashita
nee kimi wa ima doushiteru no?

mada mani au? sore tomo osoi?
HONTO wa mada kimagure nanka ja nai

"Gomen ne" tte itsukara konna ni muzukashii kotoba ni nacchatan darou
GURASU no manatsu ga toketeku

"Gomen ne" itsukara konna ni tomadou futari ni nacchatan darou
iitai no ni ienai
itsudemo kimi to itai no ni

gomen ne, watashi.

chikazuku hodo ni hanareteyuku mitai
tameiki ga sotto SODA ni kieteku
yakusoku wa itsumo watashi wo karakatte
HAATO no naka wo nuritsubusu yo

mada mani au? sore tomo osoi?
HONTO wa mada tsuyoki na furi wo shiteru

"Gomen ne" tte itsukara konna ni muzukashii kotoba ni nacchatan darou
GURASU no manatsu ga yonderu

"Gomen ne" itsukara konna ni tomadou futari ni nacchatan darou
iitai no ni ienai
itsudemo warawasetai no ni

gomen ne, watashi.

sunahama ni nokoru
ashiato tachi tadotte yuku
kinou no watashi ni mou ichido
aetara kitto kou iu wa

"Hakane"

"Gomen ne" tte itsukara konna ni muzukashii kotoba ni nacchatan darou
GURASU no manatsu tokenai de...

"Gomen ne" kimi ga warautabi sekai wa umare kawarundarou
GURASU no manatsu nomihoseba

"Gomen ne" doushite konna ni muzukashii kotoba ni nacchatan darou
iitai no ni ienai
nee kimi wo warawasetai no ni
mattete warawasete miseru

gomen ne, watashi.
gomen ne, watashi.

2010-11-13T20:46:00.003+08:00

So, I hear from you again. And my heart skipped another beat. I guess "friend" is all I am to you. Such agony.

2010-09-08T12:11:00.005+08:00

So the pain remains.

I guess it is a measure of how important you were to me. Just the same, it is over, I have to move on.

How I wonder if making us "man" and "woman" is a joke played on the whole of humankind by God, considering that the difference between the genders make communications between them difficult.

2010-08-16T19:24:00.001+08:00

Once again you haunt my dreams. Cruel lady, begone and take your image with you.

Also sprach Zarathustra: Einleitung

2010-06-27T12:22:00.004+08:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Also_sprach_Zarathustra_%28Richard_Strauss%29

Spring

2010-04-22T16:43:00.007+08:00

Mine & Chiaki - Spring from Kathryn on Vimeo.

After the harsh winter passes, a warm spring follows. I wonder when it will also come to me.

2010-03-22T12:36:00.002+08:00

37 more years, the countdown continues, 37 more years

2010-02-03T12:52:00.005+08:00

She said no and with that I am free. Of course there will be tears but tears will dry. It was the uncertainty that kept something that should have died a long time ago alive. At least now I am sure. At least now the thorn is pulled out. I will hemorrhage a little but the wound will close. Thank you to all the friends who supported me during this trying time in my life.

It is time to move on.

2010-01-06T15:44:00.003+08:00

Why did you call me back after sending me away? Why do you ignore me after I came back?

Why are you so cruel beloved?

2010-01-01T23:59:00.002+08:00

I love you Elaine. It is bitter that you treat me this way.

2009-12-28T00:25:00.000+08:00

My life will go on without you.

Sagittarius

2009-12-15T19:37:00.002+08:00

Rhapsody in Blue: Nodame Cantabile version

2009-12-02T19:58:00.002+08:00

November Rain

2009-11-30T23:37:00.001+08:00

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this
Such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
Yeahh..
But lovers always come
And lovers always go
And no one's really sure
Who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time
To lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
Then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time
On your own
Do you need some time
All alone
Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don't you know you need some time
All alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time
On my own
Sometimes I need some time
All alone
Everybody needs some time
On their own
Don't you know you need some time
All alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you
Need somebody
Don't ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Don't ya think that you
Need somebody
Don't ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Don't ya think that you
Need somebody
Don't ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Don't ya think that you
Need somebody
Don't ya think that you
Need someone
Everybody needs somebody

Rhapsody in Blue by Gershwin

2009-11-26T20:06:00.002+08:00

Rhapsody in Blue from Fantasia

Rhapsody in Blue played by Gershwin

2009-11-22T02:09:00.002+08:00

I wonder who you are, that I look for you. I find it strange that I often feel close to you whenever I listen to music. You are close to my ears but far from my eyes. Maybe someday my eyes will see and my ears will hear you, as you really are.

2009-11-17T13:31:00.005+08:00

I still think of you once in a while but I turn away. I know that you aren't real, only created in my mind using palettes of the physical you impressed over the substance I hoped to find.

If only longing had the power to make you real. If only, if only.

There are no answers on this side except this: that life goes on.

Konna ni Chikaku de

2009-11-10T19:33:00.002+08:00

Secrets (theholders.org version)

2009-10-24T12:55:00.003+08:00

The Holder of Secrets is dead.

It's no secret that he died, for at the moment of his death, no more secrets can be kept. The knowledge enters everybody's mind and floats among the debris of their life experiences. The reason for his death is no secret either, for with the knowledge of his passing comes the knowledge of its cause: the weight of carrying all the secrets in the universe has crushed the Holder's mind. Yes, even Holders can have their minds destroyed. As if the Object is paying its last respects to its Holder, the name of Father Brian O'Shea drops and ripples in the babbling din of thoughts and memories that can no longer be kept out.

-----------------------------------

I find myself in a familiar churchyard looking at the weathered edifice of a tiny cathedral. I remember the many times I entered the church, seeking solace, attending mass, witnessing a baptism or marriage, or paying my last respects to the departed. I remember often seeing Father O'Shea enter the confessional to assume his post. In hindsight, a priest receiving confessions being the Holder of Secrets is rather fitting.

In my mind, as well as in the communal mind that the death of the Holder created, I start to realize and understand things that were open secrets, things that everybody knew but never acknowledged. Things like why bread was sold at half price at closing time (Fresh Baked? Think again.) or what certain nursery rhymes really meant (Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...).

I start walking towards the forest at the edge of town.

Other secrets start skittering in. Personal secrets, public affairs, and even the secrets of things that have no life in itself, like governments and institutions...

Mr. Smith had an affair with Ms. Johnson. My mind is suddenly flooded with the memories of their trysts and alibis.

My body aches and my soul is weighed down under the pain of the beatings and the despair Mrs. Chan carried as a battered wife.

The creature sighting at the lake was a hoax; its photographs were fabricated. My/his heart beats with elation as I/he realize the success of my/his actions.

Beep, beep, beep, beep .... said the machine. The infamous dictator of that Latin-American country has been braindead for months, yet the machine keeps the body alive. Beep, beep, beep, beep ....

In the dying bank where I keep my money, many hands are feverishly feeding the shredder, trying to wash themselves of guilt in this modern Pilate's basin. Shredded paper, shredded lives, pointing the accusing finger even in its death throes.

As I enter the forest, the babble of secrets begins unraveling the weaker minds, yet strangely leaving the minds of the insane untouched. I start to lose my own sense of identity as I lose track of which secrets are my own and which belong to someone else.

I become rooted in the middle of the forest as the final, most deeply hidden secrets start to emerge, the secrets everybody hides from their own selves:

Rosalinda, the socialite and life of the party, does not want to be left alone to face her own demons. They torment her with her fading beauty, with the futility of her wealth, with her constant loneliness.

In his dreams, a little boy is always lost, trying to find his way. In his mind, a giant is walking the earth, crushing everything in its path. In truth, George, the black sheep, wants his absent father to take notice of him as he looks for the source of his missing comfort, wanting to destroy that source of unending pain.

Then I turn and look at myself.

And realize.

The awful truth.

The darkest secret I've kept from myself: I've been the Holder of Secrets' Object all along. I look deep into my "memories" and realize they were never my own but borrowed and pasted together from the secrets of those who strayed too close. I myself have nothing. I am tabula rasa.

A black cloud swirls in my vision, accompanied by the sound of a million flapping wings. Secrets, like crows, are coming home to roost. I raise my arms to ward them off, but my arms freeze as bark and leaves start growing on them.

In desperation, or perhaps defiance of my fate, I shout, "Where do secrets draw their power?"

Instead of echoing back my words, my voice responds, "From fear do secrets draw their power."

Fear sprouts with every leaf: fear of losing this short life of borrowed memories and thoughts, fear of the void, the nothingness beyond death or rebirth, in truth, back into an Object of no memories, no identity, no self.

As the bark closes over my mouth, as darkness and nothingness close over my eyes, I scream out one last time, "Where does fear draw its power?"

My own voice replies, before silence reclaims its place, "From secrets does fear draws its power."

Secrets at theholders.org

Secrets

2009-10-19T12:50:00.004+08:00

The Holder of Secrets is dead.

It was no secret that he died, for at the moment of his death, no more secrets can be kept. The knowledge entered everybody's mind and floated among the debris of their life experiences. The reason for his death was no secret either, for the with the knowledge of his passing came with the knowledge of its cause: the weight of carrying all the secrets in the universe has crushed even the holder's insanity. And in afterthought, as if the Object is paying its last respects to its Holder, the name of Father Brian O'Shea dropped and rippled in the din of the babel of thoughts and memories that can no longer be kept out.

You find yourself in a familiar churchyard looking at the weathered edifice of a tiny cathedral. You remember the many times you entered the church, seeking solace or to attend mass or to witness a baptismal or marriage or to pay your last respects to the departed. You often remember seeing Father O'Shea enter the confessional, to assume his post. Very apt indeed, a priest receiving confessions as the Holder of Secrets.

In your mind, and in the communal mind that the death of the Holder created, you start realizing and understanding things that were open secrets, things that everybody knew but never acknowledged. Things like why bread was sold at half price at closing time (freshly baked every day!) or what certain nursery rhymes really meant (Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall....)

You start walking towards the forest at the edge of town.

Other secrets start skittering in, personal, public, and even secrets of things that have no life in itself, like governments and institutions:

Mr. Smith had an affair with Ms. Johnson and your mind is filled the memories of their trysts and alibi.

Your body aches under the pain of the beatings while your soul is weighed down with the despair Mrs. Chan carried as a battered wife.

The creature sighting at the lake was a hoax, its photographs were fabricated. Your/his heart beats with elation as you/he realize the success of your/his actions.

Beep, beep, beep, beep .... said the machine. The dictator of a Latin-American country had been brain dead for months but the machine keeps the body alive. Beep, beep, beep, beep ....

In the dying bank where you keep your money, many hands are feverishly feeding the shredder, trying to wash themselves of guilt in this modern Pilate's basin. Shredded paper, shredded lives, point an accusing finger still.

Your shopping list include salt, black pepper, garlic, rosemary, onion, flour and vinegar. The seven secret herbs and spices are ordinary household spices easily available from your local supermarket.

As you enter the forest, the babble of secrets begin unraveling the weaker minds, strangely leaving the minds of the insane intact or at least untouched. You start losing your own sense of identity as you lose track of which of the secrets are yours and which came from somewhere else.

You become rooted in the middle of the forest as the last and deeply hidden secrets start to emerge, the secrets everybody hides from their own selves:

Rosalinda, the socialite and life of the party, does not want to be left alone to face her own demons. They torment her with her fading beauty. They torment her with futility of her wealth. They torment her with her constant loneliness.

In his dreams, a little boy is always lost, trying to find his way. In his mind, a giant is walking the earth, crushing everything. In truth, George, the black sheep, wants his absent father to take notice of him, as he looks for the source of missing comfort, as he looks to destroy that source of unending pain.

Then you turn and look at yourself.

And realize.

The awful truth.

The secret that you have kept from yourself: YOU ARE THE OBJECT ITSELF. You look deep into your "memories" and realize they weren't your own but borrowed from and pasted together from the secrets of those who were nearby. You yourself, you have nothing, you are tabula rasa.

A black cloud swirls in your vision, accompanied by the sound of a million flapping wings. Secrets, like crows, are coming home to roost. You raise your arms to ward them but your arms freeze as bark and leaves start growing on them.

In desperation or defiance of your fate, you shout, "Where do secrets draw their power?"

Instead of echoing back your words, your voice comes back, "From fear, secrets draw their power from fear."

Fear sprouts with every leaf, fear of losing this short life of borrowed memories and thoughts, fear of the empty, the nothingness beyond death or rebirth, in truth, back into an Object of no memories, no identity, no self.

As the bark closes over your mouth, as darkness or nothingness close over your eyes, you scream out one last time, "Where does fear draw its power?"

Your own voice replies, before silence reclaims its place, "From secrets, fear draws its power from secrets."

Secrets at theHolders.org

Blue Sky, True Sky

2009-10-18T10:21:00.006+08:00

Song: Blue Sky, True Sky
Artist: Yuuki Aira
Album: Blue Sky, True Sky
Other: Ending song for the anime Tears to Tiara

Fairy tale was gone omoide ga hashiru
furenaide tada miokureba
I said regret mind natsukashisa ni oborete
tokeaeba ii yo ne tabun ii yo ne
kanashii Liar

Fairy tale was gone, my memories run away,
I won’t touch them…I’ll just see them off…
I said regret mind, I drown in my nostalgia…
It they melt it’ll be fine…it’ll probably be fine…
Such a sorrowful liar…

tobazu no tori ga jiyuu wo utau hi ni
ima ha inai kimi no sugata
sagashi ni yuku tooi ashita he
Jump to your heart

On the day a flightless bird sings for freedom…
Let’s go look for your figure
that isn’t here right now, let’s search until the distant future.
Jump to your heart

toki no naka de oikakeru kagayakeru yume ha
mirai doshi ga tsunagaru koto de
tashika ni naru kara
takaku soshite tsuyoku maiagaru kokoro
toki ga matteru yo sakenderu yo
hayaku aitai to
Blue Sky, True Sky
namida ha iranai Blue Sky

The glittering dream I chase within this time is
a future where both you and I are together,
I’m sure it’ll come true.
My heart dances proudly and strongly,
time is waiting for us, it’s calling for us,
“I want to see you now”
Blue Sky, True Sky
Blue Sky that has no need for for tears.

Silent days had you ushinaeba wakaru
maniatte mada ai ga aru
I can’t call your name todakanai to nageita
akirameru yori mo sora no tatakasa
kanjite Flier

Silent days had you, if you lose someone you’ll understand.
In time, there will still be love.
I can’t call your name, “It won’t reach you” I grieved…
Rather than giving up…I’ll feel the
flier of the sky’s height.

tsubasa ha kienai me wo tojitegoran yo
senaka atsuku kimi no moto he
michikareta youna kimochi de
Take off! Myself

Our wings haven’t disappeared, try closing your eyes,
With the hot feelings that seem
to lead me towards you, I
Take off! Myself

motomerareta sonzai ha hanareba nare demo
jiryoku matteru hikiyoseta no ha
sadame de aru kara
ookiku motto ookiku hirogeta tsubasa ni ha
motomotemitai yo tsukamaraetai yo
subete dakishimete
Birds eye, Birds eye…Hi Sky!

The person I search for, even if I’m separated from him,
the awaiting magnetic fore that pulls me in is
destiny!
The wings I spread more and more
try to look for you, they want to catch you and
embrace everything.
Birds eye, birds eye…Hi sky!

True Sky!

toki no naka de oikakeru kagayakeru yume ha
mirai doshi ga tsunagaru koto de
tashika ni naru kara
takaku soshite tsuyoku maiagaru kokoro
toki ga matteru yo sakenderu yo
hayaku aitai to
Blue sky, True sky, Blue Sky, True sky
namida ha iranai Blue sky

The glittering dream I chase withing this time is
a future where both you and I are together,
I’m sure it’ll come true.
My heart dances proudly and strongly,
time is waiting for us, it’s calling for us,
“I want to see you now”
Blue Sky, True Sky
Blue Sky that has no need for for tears.

Translation from/by Deciphered Melodies
Youtube video by Tears to Tiara Animax and Wolfrozern

2009-09-21T14:31:00.002+08:00

I don't know why I torture myself. It is over, it never was, it never will be.

Place Holder: She's a babe!!

2009-09-07T09:48:00.001+08:00

A Joyful Wedding

2009-09-06T22:55:00.000+08:00

Here Without You

2009-09-05T21:49:00.006+08:00

A hundred days had made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling
as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated
but I hope it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Here Without You by Three Doors Down
CGI/Video from World of Warcraft
A Machinima by Dimoroc
Found in Youtube

2009-08-22T12:48:00.000+08:00

I was a fool to believe that I can be loved.

NTLDR is missing

2009-08-17T00:25:00.009+08:00

An error message suddenly occurred while I was booting up my computer and I didn't know how to fix it. Luckily, lots of other people have already encountered this problem so a search query at Yahoo! produced lots of leads. This one is specially useful.

Specifically:

2 Check your floppy and optical (CD/DVD) drives for media. Often times, the "NTLDR is Missing" error will appear if your PC is trying to boot to a non-bootable floppy disk or CD/DVD.

Note: If you find that this is the cause of your problem and it's happening a lot, you might want to consider changing the boot order in BIOS so the hard drive is listed first.

3 Check the hard drive and other drive settings in BIOS and ensure they are correct. The BIOS configuration tells the computer how to use a drive so incorrect settings can cause problems, including NTLDR errors.

Note: There is usually an Auto setting for hard drive and optical drive configurations in BIOS which is usually a safe bet if you're not sure what to do.

What that error message meant was that my computer cannot find a certain file necessary to start loading Windows XP. After reading the site mentioned above, I entered the BIOS menu and looked up the Boot section. My Windows XP PC has 3 hard drives (I saved 2 of them from an older PC, one of which has only a 4G capacity. One of my flash drive has just as much storage space), I looked up the BIOS and found that one of the legacy drives has higher priority than my primary drive. After changing the order/priority to the correct one, my computer proceeded to load Windows XP. Problem fixed.

But only after 60 minutes of anxiety filled moments.

My Key?

2009-08-02T15:54:00.004+08:00

Thriller in World of Warcraft: a tribute

2009-06-30T22:18:00.003+08:00

Rest in peace Michael Jackson.

------
Note: I did not make this video nor do I claim its content as my own. I found it in YouTube.

Thriller by Michael Jackson
AMV by Darkmole
World of Warcraft by Blizzard

from idol to freakshow, Emotional Weather Report, Philipine Star column June 26, 2009

2009-06-26T11:51:00.005+08:00

To Jessica Zafra:

All hail, Dominatrix of the Universe! We are not worthy to enter thy presence!

It is very coincidental that you write about Michael Jackson and have it come out in your column on June 26, 2009. I'm sure you have heard about his death by now and maybe a few other people have also written you via e-mail too about the coincidence.

I felt sad when I heard the news that Michael Jackson died. Although I was never a fan, I loved singing Thriller at the karaoke to shake things up when everybody was singing ballads. In many ways, MJ was a genius, one of the Mozarts of our time, because his music affected you whether you were a fan or not. In retrospect, I realize that most of MJ's songs tells you to take notice as compared to the music mash I hear over the radio these days, each song on the radio sounds like every other song you hear, even when you switched stations. Either that or I've really grown old.

Notable people of my generation are passing away one by one. The summertime of the 80s has come to an end, autumn has begun. Laurelindórenan has faded into Lothlórien.

Your worthless minion,

fatman
------------------------
Emotional Weather Report: from idol to freakshow

I Have Received an Answer to My Prayers

2009-05-01T10:55:00.004+08:00

Elaine said "no".

That is the only answer I need. I have prayed long and hard to God to help me win Elaine's heart but the answer I received was negative. Just the same, it is an answer to my prayers. Just the same, it is the only answer I need.

No more uncertainty.

Surprisingly, it was painless. Maybe I've already paid my toll in pain long ago.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Psalm 23, New International Version from www.biblegateway.com

2009-04-26T21:17:00.000+08:00

Black. Everything is black. When will daylight come?

2009-04-17T12:41:00.004+08:00

38 years too short
to serve Thee
even thorns and tears
strewn on life's way

38 years more
sweet years ahead
each step closer
Your open arms

2009-04-10T22:58:00.002+08:00

Lead me Lord, through the darkness of my life,
through the madness in my mind,
through the disappointments I face.

Lead me through the anxiety,
through the blindness and deafness of my spirit,
through the continual sadness of my heart.

Lord, I long to see pleasant Eden,
its calm, its beauty,
but most of all,
I long to see Your face.

Lead me, Lord,
until that day,
that wonderful day.

Lead me Lord.

I Can Wait Forever

2009-04-10T11:51:00.005+08:00

Official LaMB Theme Song - Simple Plan (I Can Wait Forever) @ Yahoo! Video

You look so beautiful today
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away
So I try to find the words that I could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away
And I can't lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just can't take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it won't stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever

You look so beautiful today
It's like every time I turn around I see your face
The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you
When I look into your eyes, man I wish that I could stay
And I can't lie
But every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just can't take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it won't stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait
I can wait forever

I know it feels like forever
I guess that's just the price I gotta pay
But when I come back home to feel your touch
Makes it better
Till that day
There's nothing else that I can do
And I just can't take it
I just can't take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever (I can wait forever)
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it won't stop bleeding
But I can wait (I can wait)
I can wait
I can wait forever
I can wait forever
I can wait forever...

I Can Wait Forever by Simple Plan
Video from Animax

2009-03-22T23:45:00.002+08:00

waiting but for what? what is there for me except the endless dark?

That Could Have Been Me

2009-03-12T00:21:00.003+08:00

I've been irritable the passed few days. The heartbreak has already become physical pain a long time ago but at least, it comes and goes like the tide. Sometimes I really wonder if I'll lose it and start hurting people.

This story could have been mine. That person could have been me.

2009-03-10T23:39:00.002+08:00

looking
seeing
nothing
heart
aching
wish
you
are
here

2009-03-07T12:41:00.004+08:00

The Clinical Depression Blog.

Estranged

2009-02-06T19:58:00.036+08:00

When you're talkin' to yourself
And nobody's home
You can fool yourself
You came in this world alone
(Alone)

So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see
ONE, TWO

Old at heart but I'm only 28
And I'm much too young
To let love break my heart
Young at heart but it's getting much too late
To find ourselves so far apart

I don't know how you're s'posed
To find me lately
An' what more could you ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
Said you took everything from me

Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

Still talkin' to myself
and nobody's home
(Alone)

So nobody ever told us baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to us baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

When I find out all the reasons
Maybe I'll find another way
Find another day
With all the changing seasons of my life
Maybe I'll get it right next time
An now that you've been broken down
Got your head out of the clouds
You're back down on the ground
And you don't talk so loud
And you don't walk so proud
Any more, and what for

Well I jumped into the river
Too many times to make it home
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone
If it doesn't show give it time
To read between the lines
'Cause I see the storm getting closer
And the waves they get so high
Seems everything We've ever known's here
Why must it drift away and die

I'll never find anyone to replace you
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time- Oh this time
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer
And all my friends said I was high
But everything we've ever known's here
I never wanted it to die

----------
Estranged by Guns and Roses

2009-01-25T19:01:00.002+08:00

2009-01-25T11:24:00.000+08:00

There are times I wonder why I torture myself.

2009-01-13T12:48:00.001+08:00

Do I even exist? Am I real or just a figment of someone else's imagination?

2009-01-12T13:01:00.001+08:00

I wonder if Elaine ever thinks of me.

2009-01-10T13:53:00.001+08:00

Sad

2009-01-04T22:32:00.002+08:00

in pain

2009-01-03T10:31:00.001+08:00

2009-01-02T20:46:00.001+08:00

breaking

tired

2008-12-18T00:11:00.002+08:00

Shoo Bush!

2008-12-15T12:39:00.007+08:00

Iraqi gives GW Bush the shoe.

The Ugly American is white, middle aged to late middle age and has a social standing of middle high to high. And did I mention he's white?

What is irritating about the Ugly American is that he thinks that his views are the only views that matter. He doesn't care whether some people have better understanding of the situation. He can't accept views that contradict his own life experience, even if that experience is lived only in Beverly Hills or some other wealthy all-white neighborhood. His view is the only view.

The Ugly Americans fear the waning of the political, economic and military power of the United States of America. I guess they should. After all, without that political, economic and military might, they, the Ugly Americans, will have to face being ignored.

That, for them, is a fate worse than death.

I'm so Glad

2008-12-01T11:05:00.004+08:00

Muslims Condemn Mumbai Attacks.

I am Christian, let us make that clear. But, everytime a "Muslim" does these crazy things, I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed because these so called "Muslims" do something bad, they scream out "Allahu Akbar", God is Great. I feel the same shame as when those white racists in the United States of America say that their God-fearing nation should not have a person of color to be their president. A Christian racist? It's not allowed. Any Christian who is a racist without feeling shame is a fake Christian. Yet is is Christians are smeared because of that white racist's actions. Just as Muslims are smeared by any madman killing people in the name of Islam. And when Christians and Muslims are smeared, our God's name is smeared.

What will the non-believers say now? Believing in one god exclusively is evil because it breeds intolerance and contempt for others? What will the atheists say? Is there really a good God when his followers are evil?

How do we even begin to teach that Allah, the merciful and compassionate, loves the world and longs to bless us, when we His children aren't merciful nor compassionate?

I'm so sad.

A Mouthful

2008-11-28T00:35:00.001+08:00

Suicide

2008-11-25T12:26:00.005+08:00

There, I said it.

Suicide has been on my thoughts, a constant companion, for over 20 years. Some times, it is quiet. Other times, it is louder than my "normal" thoughts.

I'm tired.

United States of America President Barrack Obama

2008-11-05T12:32:00.003+08:00

In many ways, the biggest campaigner for Barrack Obama was his predecessor George W. Bush. George W. Bush, a Republican, neglected the USA's economy to focus on his War on Terror. Worse yet, he neglected the more important front, the Afghanistan front, and concentrated on the Iraqi front, which is discredited by disclosures of faked or skewed intelligence reports regarding the original intent, which is the Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction, supposedly stockpiled by Saddam Hussein, then dictator of Iraq. The Republican Party paid dearly for George W. Bush's incompetence. The citizens of United States of America paid dearly for George W. Bush's incompetence but George W. Bush was their choice and their responsibility.

It is my hope that, at the very least, Barrack Obama, will clean up some of the mess that George W. Bush's incompetence created.

Yes, the US of A will have to look after its own but, it doesn't have to be an asshole about it.

The Lich King's Invasion Has Begun

2008-10-22T08:48:00.005+08:00

They are coming!

Looking for a Sign

2008-10-14T16:40:00.010+08:00

The fundamental requirement in asking for a sign is that the seeker must accept the sign he or she receives, even if this wasn't the sign he or she was hoping for. This implies faith in the giver of the sign, not just acknowledgement of the possibility of reliability of the giver of the sign. Worse yet, very often, there will be no proof or validation of the basis of that faith.

Yet, the seeker must accept the sign, even if the result is contrary to what is wished. That has happened to me.

I only see a closed door but the realty is that the road is open before me. I am free to roam. I am disappointed because I wanted to be invited into the house.

The sign has set me free. What is left is for me to accept that freedom.

Post Event Blues: the End of Brewfest 2008

2008-10-04T14:34:00.002+08:00

I always knew Brewfest 2008 would end on October 4th but I didn't realize that the last minute was 11:59pm October 3rd, realm time. When I logged in Aman'Thul last night to earn more tokens for my nephew's character (he uses my account on Sundays), I was shocked to see the Brewfest grounds missing. And I'm 3 tokens short of 200.

I feel empty. Eerily like real life.

2008-09-22T13:01:00.001+08:00

I hurt.

Empty

2008-08-28T12:58:00.002+08:00

when the storm has passed
only the empty remains
vast plains of grey

Constipated

2008-07-23T13:38:00.006+08:00

I wish I could get some mental/spiritual laxatives. Keeping shit in is bad for your physical health. Mental and spiritual shit have the same effect. Why do I keep it in? Because I don't want to dump it onto other people. They already have enough shit of their own to worry about.

Prozac can only go so far.

To all who are offended, shit means feces. While feces doesn't smell nice, it's not, in itself, something one should be ashamed of. Shit and more shit.

Holder of Ragnarök Online link

2008-07-10T13:37:00.003+08:00

Link to Holder of Ragnarök Online version 2.0.

Hope you like it. :)

Lazy

2008-06-19T00:12:00.003+08:00

In case you're actually waiting for the Holder of Ragnarök Online version 2.0 to come out soon, I've pretty much finished it. I'm just feeling lazy about posting it. Go figure.

2008-06-10T00:15:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I can last another 39 years. I'm really tired.

Beware of goodtree.com site!!

2008-05-28T19:48:00.003+08:00

I received an e-mail from a friend recently. In the e-mail, this friend said she sent me a gift but when I clicked the link, this site goodtree.com asked me for my password. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE IT YOUR E-MAIL PASSWORD. It could be a misunderstanding but I don't trust that site.

Be careful. Double check before giving any password.

Undercity Freaks Me Out

2008-05-02T12:46:00.014+08:00

It's been over a month of traveling over the beginner to mid-level areas of the World of Warcraft and the experience is wonderful. This World is a distillation of many things that I see in the real world or through my boob-tube window of the real world (television). In it, I see the true Native American culture that I've read about in many books and on National Geographic and Discovery Channel. Now I see it as a native of that culture, sort of.

That makes it so disconcerting to see the homebase of the Forsaken, an ally of the Tauren, albeit loosely, through the eyes of a Tauren. That part of the World is dreary, full of abandoned or worse haunted buildings and ruins. The color scheme is full of dark tones: deep purple, dark blue, dark green and dark brown, all colors are almost black. Since I play only at night, the night colorings make the area depressing at best, sinister at worse. And that is just the surrounding forest of Silverpine and Tirisfal Glades.

Undercity is a stage-set that is a mix of many horror film cliches placed into one large city. Pools of green slime (ectoplasm?) flow throughout the city. There are a few Frankenstein laboratories somewhere there along with requisite non-FDA approved human testing. The sound of caged women sobbing is particularly disturbing to me.

And then there are the NPCs (non-player characters). Since the Forsaken are undead, most of the NPCs in Undercity are undead. In World of Warcraft, there are the enemy of all living things undead and there are the enemy of all living things except for their Horde allies undead. From the way they talk, you sometimes wonder if the Forsaken NPCs have a hidden plan to feast on your living brains.

If you like horror and/or suspense movies, television shows, books and graphic novels, Undercity and its surroundings is for you. Neither Dracula nor the lords of Ravenloft would be out of place there. Neither will Fox Mulder and Dana Sculley. Shades of House of the Dead and Silent Hill and Resident Evil and all the zombie horror movies are all there.

After the sun-baked desert of the Barrens, I was hoping to find a home in a cool forested zone minus the Night Elves of Ashenvale. Too bad Tirisfal Glades and Silverpine cannot be that home. I recommend it for its horrific beauty and atmosphere to all to come and visit. And if you are the type who likes that kind of atmosphere, to stay.

On the Outside

2008-04-17T14:53:00.007+08:00

I stood close enough to hear you say
"Do as the beautiful ones do"
I tore up my picture from its frame
I just wanted to be one of you

I'm standing on the outside, lookin'
Funny how you see the truth
But the feeling does come back to you

She's crazy as anyone can be
That's what they say, they say of me
Wanting love can make one do
It isn't my fault, heredity

I'm standing on the outside, lookin' lookin'
State of grace, state of sin
I'm standing on the outside, lookin' lookin'
Cannot feel a single thing
But the feeling does come back again

This morning feels like yesterday
Yesterday follows me around
Where do you go when no one cares?
Six feet under, underground

I'm standing on the outside, lookin' lookin'
State of grace, state of sin
I'm standing on the outside, lookin' lookin'
Cannot feel a single thing
But the feeling will come back again
Again

----------
On the Outside by Sheryl Crow

Where are you Elaine?

2008-04-17T12:32:00.005+08:00

Dear Elaine,

Hi there! Hope things are well with you. I just dropped a note to say I miss you and that I often think of you. Things are ok here with me. I am sad that I can't see you or talk to you. You just disappeared from my life without warning and my heart is broken because of that. Was I really that unlikable? Sometimes I replay our every moment together to see if I missed anything or misread anything. Anything to explain your sudden disappearance.

Things go on as before but my life has become a deeper shade of grey. Another layer to cover the bright colors you added. So your season in my life pass.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Take care Elaine. I love you.

Jon

Bible Verse: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 from www.BibleGateway.com .

Disconnected Worlds

2008-04-14T12:30:00.012+08:00

It has been over a month since I started playing World of Warcraft and it is great. There is much to explore and much to do and then some. The chatter throughout the World is constant.

Still, playing in an international server does have its drawbacks. When I was still constantly playing pRO servers, there was always the possibility of meeting anyone IRL who I met OL. ArcadeDoll/CV was one of those very rare events and I am related to someone from the RPC 2007 team. In WoW, that chance is nil. I don't actively seek fellow Filipino players and I really prefer to be treated as Renek, the Tauren Hunter, rather than the real person me, which is only a mask I wear for conveniece.

This became very clear when I realized that a local gaming event occurred the other Sunday and I didn't even notice. Normally, SKJ would clue me in, as she is Intel's head honcho-in-charge of stuff like that. Maybe because it was a non-pRO event, and she, rightly so, assumed that I'm not interested.

But it does bring home the fact that I, as a gamer, have been disconnected from my local fellows. It is a small loss for either side. The local gaming scene does not really benefit from my being there, except for the revenues. And I'm very, very protective of my privacy, on top of my own paranoia.

If only there were more girl players, I would have minded the loss and disconnection. MMORPGs aren't exactly their favorite pastime. Meeting girls would be nice indeed, though. :-)

MMORPGs aren't very social scenes. Too bad. I had always hoped for more but I guess it wasn't meant to be. If you don't have gamer friends, like me, pretty much you'll be disconnected from both the gamer world and your own circle of friends. You'll always be on the outside, looking in. And that is the biggest loss of all.

Bad Dreams

2008-04-04T07:14:00.005+08:00

It's weird that whenever bad dreams are mentioned, fear is the only basis for calling it such. If only it was so.

Today, I woke up after dreaming that one of the girls I courted, and who dumped me for another guy, was giving birth. The other guy wasn't the father, because I knew they've split-up up for a while now. When I came to congratulate the mother, the girl's parents came to me looking woebegone. I had the impression that they wanted me to marry the girl, and maybe "give the baby a name".

And the baby wasn't even mine.

Today I woke up with a bad taste in my mouth.

Loneliness

2008-03-27T12:36:00.008+08:00

Loneliness

Loneliness is a condition of relationships. A person can be lonely even in a crowd of friends yet feel the opposite in a crowd of strangers. It had always been that way for me. I never felt comfortable among my IRL friends yet I find the company of people I meet online in the world of Ragnarok Online or World of Warcraft relaxing. Maybe because of its nature, online acquaintances are never a threat to my well-being as IRL friends are. IRL friends know the outside you, where you come from, who you're related to and how much you are worth. OL friends know the virtual you, what your attitudes are towards certain things, where you like to virtually hang-out and how much patience you have with certain things.

Sometimes you wish for a friend or group of friends that can transcend that barrier between IRL and OL and see the true you.

Sometimes you wish that somehow, someway, your IRL existence would be more satisfying or your OL existence wouldn't be so fleeting.

Sometimes loneliness is the only thing you have to define your individuality. To lose that loneliness does not make you happy, it only makes you numb and dumb. To lose that loneliness, you also lose that individuality.

At best, the only solution to loneliness is to connect in small parts, to intersect in certain areas. The loneliness remains but we also remain to be more than lonely. We become people holding cellphones.

2008-02-19T07:20:00.003+08:00

Live today as if it was your first. Forgive everyone who hurt you and disappointed you.

Live today as if it was your last. We came into this world naked, we leave it naked but was the world naked when we came and will it be naked when we leave? Choose to leave it better.

Twilight of Ragnarok

2008-01-25T12:22:00.001+08:00

I just bought my World of Warcraft Battle Chest yesterday. The day was inevitable. The constant social upheaval and the seeming inattentiveness or outright corruption of Level Up! Games' management with regards to the needs and rights of honest Philippine Ragnarok Online (pRO) players has made this day a matter of when rather than if. Add to the fact that I want to experience a better 3-D world and the hype of WoW, it's a wonder why I waited this long.

I was loyal. pRO was enjoyable for a while. Now, all that's left are memories of online friends who have already left the game and the bad taste left behind by the annual Ragnarok Philippines Championships, and I don't even participate there. pRO is empty of human life, only AI ghosts remain.

I am tired of that.

I might still play but I won't play as often as I did before or as exclusively as I did before. Definitely I won't use bots, it is beneath my dignity.

I know I will miss Prontera and Al de Baran at Christmastime and Lutie, the Eternal Christmas town and Umbala, the village hanging on the giant trees. I will miss my children, as I have realized what my characters have been to me.

And I will try to finish all the fanfic drafts that I made. They are my children too.

I love my children very much. I hope I will learn to love my real life children, if I ever have some, as much as I love the children of my soul.

All things end and this is the ending for my children in Ragnarok Online: They lived happily ever after.

Love Forever

2007-12-29T17:26:00.001+08:00

Japanese Title: 永遠に(愛?)...Love Forever
Chinese Title: 候永恆的愛
Composer/Arranger: 大久保薫 (Okubo Kaoru)
Lyrics: 貞方祥 (Sadakata Show)
Vocals:
土屋亜有子 (Tsuchiya Ayuko)
大久保薫 (Okubo Kaoru)
Flash Movie by ZeldaFans & Wymen
Ragnarok Online property of Gravity Co., Ltd.

SAYONARA to tsubuyaite
Murmuring "goodbye"
naita kimi ni sei wo muke aita
I turn to face your crying face
kanarazu kaeru kara to
I'll definitely return
aoi sora ni yakusoku
To meet with the blue sky

sora ni fukanda kumo nara
If I were a cloud floating in the sky
anata ni mo todoku no
I would reach for you
kimi ni tsutaetai kara
I want to show you
kono sora no ano kumo wo
In this sky That cloud,
oikakete
chase it

haruka kanata anata wo omoi
Faraway yonder I think of you
mirai no shiawase wo yumemiteru
I dream of the future's happiness
dakara itsumo wasuretakunai
Therefore I can never forget
futari no ai to futari no yume
Our love and dreams
Love Forever
Love Forever

ohayou to sasayaite
Whispering "Good morning"
asa no kimi de mezameta ano koro
When you wake up in the morning
kanarazu matteite to
I'll definitely wait
aoi sora yo tsutaete
It's the blue sky I'm showing you

sora ni habataku tori nara
If I were a bird in the sky
anata e to toberu no
I would fly to you
kimi ni todoketai kara
Because I want to reach for you
kono sora no ano kumo wo
In this sky that cloud,
oikoshite
Overtake it

haruka kanata anata wo omoi
Faraway yonder I think of you
futatabi aeru hi wo shinjiteru
I believe in the day we will meet
dakara itsuka sono hi no tame ni
Therefore for the sake of this day
futari no ai to futari no yume
Our love and dreams
Love Forever
Love Forever

haruka kanata anata wo omoi
Faraway yonder I think of you
mirai no shiawase wo yumemiteru
I dream of the future's happiness
dakara itsumo wasuretakunai
Therefore I can never forget
futari no ai to futari no yume
Our love and dreams
Love Forever
Love Forever

Television commercial property of twRO and Game flier

It's Art but all I'm interested in are her boobs

2007-12-18T22:52:00.001+08:00

I've been watching Frühlingsstimmen on YouTube, listening to this soprano sing. She has a good voice, maybe even great voice but I can't tell. I don't even know what basis to use if she was doing it right or not. She sang well. I want to listen to her sing again.

However, she's wearing an off-shoulder dress giving a good view of of her shoulders and, yes, her boobs. There's another soprano singing the same song in YouTube but I didn't take notice because she was all covered up!

It's late, almost midnight as I write this, so please forgive my incoherence.

Sledge hammer approach:

Sometimes you want to impress a girl and you end up showing that all you are is a caveman. I want to listen to Kathleen Battle and Sumi Jo sing Frühlingsstimmen again but more than that, I want to listen to Elaine sing Frühlingsstimmen. Because it's Elaine singing.

For Elaine

2007-12-08T12:39:00.000+08:00

forgotten but not really,
buried deep, a seed,
when you left,
reason: unknown.

tears washed
with time's flow,
and from my heart
your name erased.

today over
horizon and sight
your shadow
shape and voice

long forgotten
suddenly return
with dammed tears
heartache crack.

daylight brings
thoughts of you
again, again, again
longing deeply.

oh that my time,
my sojourn ends.
lest bitterness
all overwhelms.

yet i wait
until season pass
as before and
as always.

or your sweet voice
add to my name
the word
beloved.

Re-Linked Sojourn Notes to my other Blogs

2007-11-13T12:08:00.000+08:00

It's been over two years since I unlinked Sojourn Notes from Midgard Sojourn and Midgard Anthologies. Two years ago, I hoped to be more prolific a writer of fan-fiction and I didn't want to discuss life matters with children who just want to punk or deface blogs with their inane rants.

I've re-linked Sojourn Notes to the rest of the blogs. I guess it was inevitable that I would. After all, I can't play Ragnarok Online forever, can't I. :)

Please feel free to browse between the different blogs and make any comment you feel fit. All I ask is respect.

Thank you dear reader.

2007-11-11T18:55:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it becomes oppressive this posting, this station. I'm far away from home and supply deliveries seem so rare. Sometimes I really wonder if Homebase still remembers me. I wonder how long before my watch, my sojourn ends.

I'm tired.

Speaking in Tongues

2007-11-09T19:47:00.000+08:00

Pika-pika? Pikapika pika pika-chiu, pi-pika pi-pipika pika-pi-a-a-pika pikapi! Pikachiu-pikaa-pika. Pikapii? Pikachiu-pikachiu. Pikapika-pika-chiu. Pikapika .... pika!

Pika-pika-pikaa. Pikapi-pika-pika-chiu? Pika-pi-ka-a-pika-chiu pika-pi-pika-a-a. Pika-pika-pika-pi, pikachiu-pikapika pikapika-pikachiu pika-piika-a pikachiu pikachiu pika-chiu-pika. Pika-chiu? Pikachiu-pika-pikaa. Pikaa-pikaa pikachiu-u.

Pikachiu? Piii-kaa-chiu!