Once in a while you might have dreamt of being back at your old school, facing whatever demons you faced there when you were young. For me, my demons were tests and homework. I was a so-so student. I never cared much about my assignments or my studies but my grades were always above average. Nightmares about tests and homework were never about tests and homework at school. They are about insecurities about never being "good enough".
I have those school nightmares regularly. They occur more often whenever I'm in the midst of a failing relationship so it's obvious why I have them. Typically, I dream that I haven't submitted a homework due ASAP or we're about to take a test I didn't know we were going to have. Yeah, I'm more scared of flunking school than Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street.
This morning I dreamt that I graduated from school. So I finally get to say goodbye to all that fear and whatnot. As I stood outside the school gates, presumably holding my diploma, I watched the school bus filled with my classmates drive away and I said these words, "I wish there had been more meals to share".
Looking back, both in the dream and in my life, I find that there was almost little time to spend with friends during the week. Everybody is busy. The friends I value most are busy with their own lives and families. The physical distance between us in this sprawling grey city makes it impossible to find time just to chat.
I guess even now I know what I will feel when my life is finally over and it is time to go into the endless void. There will never be enough meals to share with friends but every meal shared with friends, no matter how simple, even if just a cup of coffee or just seeing each other and saying "hi", is a treasure worth more than all the gold in the world.
Labels: the fatman speaks
