On the Outside

I stood close enough to hear you say
"Do as the beautiful ones do"
I tore up my picture from its frame
I just wanted to be one of you


I'm standing on the outside, lookin'
Funny how you see the truth
But the feeling does come back to you


She's crazy as anyone can be
That's what they say, they say of me
Wanting love can make one do
It isn't my fault, heredity


I'm standing on the outside, lookin' lookin'
State of grace, state of sin
I'm standing on the outside, lookin' lookin'
Cannot feel a single thing
But the feeling does come back again


This morning feels like yesterday
Yesterday follows me around
Where do you go when no one cares?
Six feet under, underground


I'm standing on the outside, lookin' lookin'
State of grace, state of sin
I'm standing on the outside, lookin' lookin'
Cannot feel a single thing
But the feeling will come back again
Again



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On the Outside by Sheryl Crow

Where are you Elaine?

Dear Elaine,

Hi there! Hope things are well with you. I just dropped a note to say I miss you and that I often think of you. Things are ok here with me. I am sad that I can't see you or talk to you. You just disappeared from my life without warning and my heart is broken because of that. Was I really that unlikable? Sometimes I replay our every moment together to see if I missed anything or misread anything. Anything to explain your sudden disappearance.

Things go on as before but my life has become a deeper shade of grey. Another layer to cover the bright colors you added. So your season in my life pass.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Take care Elaine. I love you.

Jon

Bible Verse: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 from www.BibleGateway.com .

Disconnected Worlds

It has been over a month since I started playing World of Warcraft and it is great. There is much to explore and much to do and then some. The chatter throughout the World is constant.

Still, playing in an international server does have its drawbacks. When I was still constantly playing pRO servers, there was always the possibility of meeting anyone IRL who I met OL. ArcadeDoll/CV was one of those very rare events and I am related to someone from the RPC 2007 team. In WoW, that chance is nil. I don't actively seek fellow Filipino players and I really prefer to be treated as Renek, the Tauren Hunter, rather than the real person me, which is only a mask I wear for conveniece.

This became very clear when I realized that a local gaming event occurred the other Sunday and I didn't even notice. Normally, SKJ would clue me in, as she is Intel's head honcho-in-charge of stuff like that. Maybe because it was a non-pRO event, and she, rightly so, assumed that I'm not interested.

But it does bring home the fact that I, as a gamer, have been disconnected from my local fellows. It is a small loss for either side. The local gaming scene does not really benefit from my being there, except for the revenues. And I'm very, very protective of my privacy, on top of my own paranoia.

If only there were more girl players, I would have minded the loss and disconnection. MMORPGs aren't exactly their favorite pastime. Meeting girls would be nice indeed, though. :-)

MMORPGs aren't very social scenes. Too bad. I had always hoped for more but I guess it wasn't meant to be. If you don't have gamer friends, like me, pretty much you'll be disconnected from both the gamer world and your own circle of friends. You'll always be on the outside, looking in. And that is the biggest loss of all.

Bad Dreams

It's weird that whenever bad dreams are mentioned, fear is the only basis for calling it such. If only it was so.

Today, I woke up after dreaming that one of the girls I courted, and who dumped me for another guy, was giving birth. The other guy wasn't the father, because I knew they've split-up up for a while now. When I came to congratulate the mother, the girl's parents came to me looking woebegone. I had the impression that they wanted me to marry the girl, and maybe "give the baby a name".

And the baby wasn't even mine.

Today I woke up with a bad taste in my mouth.